The past two days

The past two days, meditating has been hard.

It feels a bit like taking a dump when the stomach is not exactly clear, AND the brown bugger refuses to cooperate by clearing out: frustratingly anal, to say the least.

I believe that it has in part to do with lacking sleep: in this, I am to blame for my own predicament. Somehow I just do not sleep on time. If anything, my mind has become increasingly ill-disciplined of late, wandering where it should not go and thinking of things which it should not be thinking... In particular, when sitting in the morning, especially THIS morning, it was a constant battle bringing my attention back to the breath, back to the nose and point of focus.

I would focus on the breath, and focus for maybe two or three breaths before a thought or song will start pervading my consciousness, and then my mind will simply take that idea on a romp past the mental boundaries which I had set for myself.... before I know it, my mind is completely lost in a dream. I would then bring my focus back to the breath, and the whole process would repeat itself...

Interestingly enough, towards the end, when my mind was completely exhausted from this repeated mental exercise, my mind quite naturally fell focused on my breath. For a longer time, like maybe a full minute.

Then I started dozing off again....

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On a separate note, I think meditation potentially is a powerful tool for the mind of the successful person which I want to be. It appears to me that the most important skill to have, really, is the ability to focus, and the ability to harness your emotions and thoughts instead of letting them take you away.

For example, in stocks and investments, the investment guru Warren Buffett emphasizes on emotional discipline: it is emotional discipline that allows him to harness the folly of other investors, who might be smart otherwise, but behave stupidly like lemmings running over a cliff when their emotions get the better of them.

Personally, I've experienced for myself when doing NS that courage really isn't the absence of fear, but being able to act in spite of the fear. That's why the most powerful person is the one who, when shit hits the fan, is able to make decisions without panicking like crazy.

I still have a lot to learn and to practice.

Beginning anew

It's always so hard to start again.

Especially when you have not practiced for a long time.

Then, the mind becomes clogged up again, like a giant glass of muddy water. The only way to clarify the mind, though, is to let the mud settle, to reveal the lucid liquid.

I have decided firmly to sit every morning for an hour, and if time allows, to do the same in the evening. In the morning, I'm sitting with a friend, which helps enforce discipline and to help stick to it...

But it's so hard to do! I sat, focusing on my breath, and thought that it was already an hour. On opening my eyes, I found to my horror that it was only half an hour: still 50% to go...

It's interesting how your body reacts even before you become conscious of it. I say this, as this fact caused me to tense up subtly... and maybe a few seconds afterwards, only then did I realize I was tense, and consciously relax myself.

It's going to take some time to clear this piece of crap...